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Ryan Levesque

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The Digital Contrarianâ„¢

Ryan Levesque

Issue #077

| The Digital Contrarianâ„¢

True Self vs. Strategic Self.

Your "True Self" vs. "Strategic Self" : 4 Archetypes for Navigating the World & 14 Words to Live By...

Ryan Levesque

9 min read

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Right now, I’m in the middle of a (rare) twelve day stretch of being away from home.
 
And as I write this to you from my hotel room…
 
Today’s issue is going to be a bit different…
 
This issue is going to be a bit more personal than normal.
 
(And so, if you want to come back and hear what I have to say about AI and business and the future of humanity in next week’s issue, I will not be offended…)
 
And if you’re new to The Digital Contrarian, and you’ve just subscribed, you may want to first check out recent issues I’ve written, on topics like:
 
 
 
(This will give you a sense for what to more typically expect each week from me…)
 
But this week…
 
I felt compelled to share something that hit me hard, during my time away from home.
 
And something…
 
That might just hit hard for you too.
 
So without further delay, let’s dive in…

1 | A Question to Begin All Questions...

Let me begin by asking you something:
 
Are you ever hard on yourself??
 
Like, do you ever experience negative self-talk?
 
Maybe…
 
That you’re feeling behind?…
 
Or that you feel like you’re not doing enough or good enough?
 
In your business… for your family… or for your partner…
 
Or maybe…
 
That you feel like you’re not living up to your potential?…
 
(I’ll come back to my reason for asking this in just a moment…)
 
But first, a bit of context…
 
The reason why I’m traveling at the moment…
 
Is because as crazy as this sounds…
 
I was invited to speak at FIVE (5) back-to-back events over a two-week stretch that all happen to be held in Austin, TX…
 
And this past week…
 
I spent most of this week at the first of these events:
 
Front Row Dads LIVE.
 
(In fact, the photo of me speaking on stage above is from this event…)
 
Now…
 
In case you’re wondering:
 
Front Row Dads LIVE (aka FRDL) is an annual event where 150+ fathers gather from around the world to work on themselves to become better dads… better leaders… and better men.
And at these events…
 
We laugh…
 
We cry….
 
And most importantly…
 
We crack open our souls.
 
Which leads me to share with you here today…

2 | Something I Did as a Dad That I'm Not Proud Of In the Days Leading Up to the Event...

Shortly before leaving for this trip…
 
I did something as a dad I am not proud of.
 
Something that is decidedly not consistent with how I want to show up as a father and as a man in this world:
 
After a cascading series of events…
 
I reached the boiling point of frustration with my younger son…
 
And I screamed words at him I now wish I could take back:
 
“Stop being so f*** lazy. Lazy people are losers.”
 
Yeah, I know.
 
Hurtful. Harsh.
 
Now, of course, with space and reflection those are words I would never ever want to utter to anyone let alone my own son.
 
But in a disregulated state…
 
Feeling exasperated…
 
After what had been a difficult day… at the end of a difficult week… after what has amounted to a difficult past few months…
 
Those hurtful words came out of my mouth.
 
And my beautiful boy…
 
Who is so wonderful and special in so many ways…
 
Who triggered something inside of ME – that as a child, I learned to hate about myself…
 
Received words that made him feel hated by his own father.
 
Not my best moment.

3 | Your "True" Self vs. "Strategic" Self Explained...

At FRDL, there was a session led by Jayson Gaddis – founder of The Relationship School® – that deeply impacted me.
 
In Jayson’s session, we learned the difference between your True Self vs. Strategic Self, and how it affects how you approach every important relationship in your life – including with your parents, your children, your partner –  and yourself…
 
Now, for context:
 
Your True Self is how you show up in the world in service to yourself – putting your needs above the needs of the other person in any given relationship in your life.
 
Your Strategic Self is how you show up in service to the other person in the relationship – by subordinating your own needs in favor of the other person.
 
In every interaction in every relationship, we have two choices:
 
Choice A – listen to the voice of our True Self.
Choice B – listen to the voice of our Strategic Self.
 
There is no Choice C.
 
And therein lies the great challenge of the human dilemma:
 
Because with Choice A – we risk losing the relationship with the other person in our life if we act on what our True Self needs.
 
But with Choice B – and by subordinating our own needs – we risk losing ourselves.
* * *
At an early age, we learn that to be safe… to be accepted… to be loved – by the important relationships we have – like our parents and the other important people who matter to us in our life…
 
We need to show up as our Strategic Self.
 
And in the process…
 
We learn to bury the parts of our True Self that aren’t accepted.
 
We learn to hide that part of us from the world…
 
And quietly…
 
We learn to hate the part of ourselves we learn to hide.

4 | The Four Archetypes: 4 Ways Our "Strategic Self" Copes With Our Unmet Needs as Children.

In a separate session at FRDL led by the incredible Christina Hassler, we learned about the 4 Archetypal Response Patterns that we tend to fall into as a means of coping with our unmet needs…
 
These behavior patterns represent WHO we learn to become as children (and later as adults…)
 
It’s our way of learning how to receive the unmet needs we had growing up from our parents (and especially our mothers)…
 
The four archetypal response patterns are as follows:
 
1.) The Lone Wolf (i.e. hyper independent; “I don’t need you or anyone. I can do it on my own.”)
 
2.) The Fighter (i.e. hyper rebellious; “I’m going to do the opposite of what you say and want, just to p*** you off.”)
 
3.) The Knight in Shining Armor (i.e. hyper people pleaser; “Look at what I’ve done for you. Please love me…”)
 
4.) The Achiever (i.e. hyper performer; “Look at what I’ve accomplished. Do you love me now?”)
 
Now, we often express aspects of multiple patterns…
 
But there is almost always a dominant pattern that we fall into.
 
For me, that pattern is the Achiever.
 
I learned at a young age…
 
That with enough achievement…
 
I could be loved.
 
In fact, I followed a textbook playbook of hyper-achievement:
 
  • Good grades.
  • Ivy League school.
  • Start a business.
  • Achieve financial success.
 
Along the way, I learned to bury the other parts of me that weren’t compatible with this playbook.
 
The playful parts.
 
The silly parts.
 
The parts I learned to hide.
 
The parts I learned to hate.
 
The parts that weren’t worthy of love.
 
(Can you relate?)
 
For me, I learned growing up:
 
You can’t be lazy… ever.
 
Because lazy people are losers.
* * *
Fast forward to today…
 
And even as someone who has spent considerable time and effort “doing the work”…
 
When I am feeling stressed…
 
Or overwhelmed…
 
Or like what I’m doing for my business or my family or my contribution to humanity is “not enough”…
 
(Like I felt on the day shortly before leaving for the event…)
 
I will slip into hateful self-talk directed at that wounded eleven year old boy inside of me…
 
Which, when my son was exhibiting behavior incompatible with my so-called “Achiever Playbook for Receiving Love…”
 
Showed up in the form of those hurtful words directed at him.
* * *
Now, the painful irony is that I hear my internal voice showing up right now in this moment:
 
There is so much more I want to share with you…
 
To help YOU reflect on your own life.
 
To help you make sense of how to APPLY this.
 
Like for example, how The ASK Method forces you to subordinate the needs you have in your life, to deliver the needs of your market…
 
Not what you want…
 
But what they want….
 
And how you can run the risk of losing yourself in the process if you don’t let your True Self have a say…
 
(i.e. Listen to the “Contrarian Voice of Your Heart”)
 
But as I write this to you….
 
After an incredibly long day…
 
And an emotionally exhausting week…
 
It is currently 2:37am in the morning…
 
And with the time and (very little) energy I have left remaining before needing to get some sleep…
 
I will need to wrap things here for today.
 
But not before leaving you with one last thought.

5 | One Final Thought for Today...

At FRDL, the session that may have had the biggest impact on me, was one delivered by the incredibly gifted Philip McKernan…
 
Someone whose work I’ve gotten to know a bit over the past year – and whom I’m looking forward to getting to know a lot more over the next year…
 
In one of Philip’s sessions, he delivered a line that’s been rattling in my head ever since he shared it:
 
When you’re busy seeking the validation of the few, you cannot impact the many.
 
(Pause and read that line again.)
 
I share that line with you in the context of today’s issue, because if you find yourself slipping into negative self-talk…
 
If you feel the presence of that wounded inner child surfacing…
 
If you hear the voice of that person in your life from whom you’re still seeking love quietly whispering in your ear…
 
I want to invite you to remind yourself of those words to live by:
 
When you’re busy seeking the validation of the few, you cannot impact the many.
 
Something to consider as you think about the work you feel called to pursue…
* * *
Okay, I will leave you with that for now…
 
Have a great rest of your weekend…
 
Remember to hug the ones you love…
 
And until next week,
 
Ryan :-)
 
P.S. BTW – If you’re curious what is it exactly that happens at one of these Front Row Dad events that cracks open your soul, this short video just posted on YouTube will give you a glimpse…

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